Monday, 9 February 2009

Reclaiming Power

Two choices.

ED thought: either act on it, or ignore it.

Act on it = it comes back again, stronger and harder to resist

Don't act on it = it comes back again, maybe stronger at first, but then softer and softer until it has NO power over me

I don't know if the thoughts and urges I have will ever go away completely. I don't know if I'll ever LOVE my body or fully be able to relax around food all the time. But I am striving towards a freedom I don't have.

I DO believe that I'll be able to eat cake on my own birthday, feel good in a pair of jeans, not weigh myself constantly. That I'll reach some level of trust with my body, my appetite, my surroundings. Why? Because those things are within MY control. I can choose whether I spend 4 hours walking, or I can choose to sit with the feelings that come up if I DON'T walk. Either way, there are consequences...either feeling crappy mentally, or feeling crappy physically. The difference being that if I DO walk, I then have to do it again tomorrow, more the next day. If I don't? I sit around feeling guilty and lazy. Tomorrow maybe worse. This time next week, I see I have survived. The world is still turning. Nothing drastic has changed except I have taken that little bit more power back.

Update on walking: I woke up this morning, jumped out of bed and something did not feel right. Not the mild pain I have been ignoring all week, but an inability to actually make it down the hallway to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure if it's from the cold, the bad shoes, old stress fractures or WHAT (I'll go see my doc later this week) but I LISTENED TO MY BODY AND RESTED. I was anxious, but I am dealing with it. Not comfortably, but c'est la vie. The benefits of not walking today far outweigh the cons and I'm NOT going to feel bad for taking a day to rest and recover. YEAH!


kali said...

WAHOOOOO!!! ED nil ELLIE 1. small but fucking great victory. hell you stay underweight and unwell you have more fractures and breaks to deal with and end up unable to walk at all... you fight back and let yourself recover, rest and recover? then the world is you oyster.


(ever get the feeling im supporting you and not ed asshole ellie?! MWWWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

DO NOT ACT ON IT. Like Jaime said, we can not fully recover if we do not change our habits. I am so glad that you listened to your body. Your body NEEDS rest.
Now reality check: Tommorrow, when you think about walking, ask yourself...What happened yesterday when I did not walk?
Yes you felt anxious...and WHAT ELSE? Hopefully the answer will be nothing.
So, what I am saying is what is all the worrying about? What are you truly scared of? What were the pros and cons of not walking?
The answers may surprise you, but I gurantee that it will only make you stronger.
I am so proud of you for not acting on it. I know it is hard, but continue to fight.
A quote for you (sorry to whoever's blog I got it from) "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…Do the thing you think you cannot do."
Keep fighting the fear. YOU WILL DO IT.

Girl said...

Well done, you're doing brilliantly! I think you're really inspirational.