I feel like I have been kidding myself all week. I thought I was doing so well- busting through the roadblocks my mind throws up when I think about eating certain foods, the stupid rules I have about different foods/meals/snacks. It's all been going smoothly. Too smoothly. Maybe that in itself should have been a warning sign to me... I don't know. I think sometimes I get a little too excited about things going well and ignore other symptoms/behaviours cropping up. I feel kind of stupid for not noticing this until tonight.
I think I've mentioned before about my walking. I've been further and further lately- after randomly inputting my walks into "Map My Run", the walks have gotten longer/faster (no big surprise there, right?..) The weather this week has been particularly horrible, yet my walking has continued. My boots literally fell apart in the snow and I took them off to walk in just my socks. I have my class tomorrow morning and therapy Tuesday morning- the biggest thing on my mind about both of these is, "how will I fit in my walking?".
Stupid ED rules. Need to be home by 12 if I am going to have lunch, which means that if my morning is taken up with class/appointments, I need to leave at a crazy hour to have enough time to fit in my walk. It's only tonight when I was getting my bag packed for class that I had my, "AHA!" moment. You would have thought that a toenail falling off and my feet being literally bruised would have been a signal, no?
I am so frustrated right now. I really thought things were going WELL- and they *are*. I'm not going to discredit the attempts I have made this week with regards to food/meals/eating, because it's been a significant challenge and I HAVE made progress. But now I don't know if it was even real progress to begin with, or if I was just switching symptoms, or walking to ignore the anxiety that came up with changing my eating.
How do you guys deal with the anxiety that comes up when you are challenging eating disordered fears?..
In other news, I am really excited about the secret cupid valentine exchange- I mailed mine last week and am looking forward to it being received and posted on this person's blog! (YOUR blog...no, YOU...no YOU!!! Hehe...)
a year & a half old.
3 months ago