Sunday, 8 February 2009

Ploughing Through Building Blocks- What's That? I Missed Some?

I feel like I have been kidding myself all week. I thought I was doing so well- busting through the roadblocks my mind throws up when I think about eating certain foods, the stupid rules I have about different foods/meals/snacks. It's all been going smoothly. Too smoothly. Maybe that in itself should have been a warning sign to me... I don't know. I think sometimes I get a little too excited about things going well and ignore other symptoms/behaviours cropping up. I feel kind of stupid for not noticing this until tonight.

I think I've mentioned before about my walking. I've been further and further lately- after randomly inputting my walks into "Map My Run", the walks have gotten longer/faster (no big surprise there, right?..) The weather this week has been particularly horrible, yet my walking has continued. My boots literally fell apart in the snow and I took them off to walk in just my socks. I have my class tomorrow morning and therapy Tuesday morning- the biggest thing on my mind about both of these is, "how will I fit in my walking?".

Stupid ED rules. Need to be home by 12 if I am going to have lunch, which means that if my morning is taken up with class/appointments, I need to leave at a crazy hour to have enough time to fit in my walk. It's only tonight when I was getting my bag packed for class that I had my, "AHA!" moment. You would have thought that a toenail falling off and my feet being literally bruised would have been a signal, no?

I am so frustrated right now. I really thought things were going WELL- and they *are*. I'm not going to discredit the attempts I have made this week with regards to food/meals/eating, because it's been a significant challenge and I HAVE made progress. But now I don't know if it was even real progress to begin with, or if I was just switching symptoms, or walking to ignore the anxiety that came up with changing my eating.

How do you guys deal with the anxiety that comes up when you are challenging eating disordered fears?..

In other news, I am really excited about the secret cupid valentine exchange- I mailed mine last week and am looking forward to it being received and posted on this person's blog! (YOUR, YOU!!! Hehe...)


kali said...

so anyway, yeah, was reading your blog. (BUY NEW BOOTS!!) LOL. the anxiety? it kinda sticks and the bitch of recovery is that it throws everything at you without you knowing. the wicked thing is that you've realised it!

fuck man how the hell are you doing so well by yourself? i take my hat off and reveal my messy unbrushed hair to you. you rock!

it just like to tell your ED it is a CUNT. CUNTY CUNTY CUNT. you walked in the snow in your socks? you will look back and laugh at that sometime soon, but hell babe that is NOT good fun! id rather wear stripper stilettoes (i live in trainers) than do that!

i was chatting to SF t'other night and i was saying i dont think you ever FULLY recover (though im hopeful!) but you have to get to a point where you are limiting the damage to yourself to a point where you can laugh and go out, and work and get drunk and have a quality of life you know?
i am bmi 18.6. i stick to it and do not deviate weight wise, to compensate for the ed crap i drink too much and am hopelessly devoted to diet coke and cigarettes.. but i can have a piece of chocolate if i want, i do put butter on my toast. i have my periods and my body functions ok, i still have total control over my weight but not obsessively. my ed still has control in a way but im able to live like this - and laugh and socialise, i have the energy to play with my lil man and raise him and that is so flippin essential!! its ok to still be a `bit' ill, a bit ED .

the anxiety you just have to bust through. its 2 steps forward and one back all the way but so bloody worth it. the buzz you get when you dont allow it to dictate to you, or when you realise it is will push you on. dont let it beat you up and if it starts giving you shit ill come beat the crap out of it and the fucker lets you start your life. GRRRR

chin up chook x

Anonymous said...

I find that it calms me down to tell myself that I am becoming healthy and that I can't be healthy without challenging (enter specific ED fear of moment here). I know it is always so overwheliming in the moment, and it's just so hard to be mindful of everything. Telling myself that this is what I need to do is helpful for me.

Do not discredit what you have already done, but it is important not to replace old habits with new ones.

I hope this helps. Keep fighting, be proud of what you HAVE accomplished, and don't dwell on what you have not. You CAN DO IT.

"Small victories count too."