I'm having one of those moments when everything feels wrong/too much/overwhelming. One of those times when I don't know whether to start throwing things and screaming, or curl up and hide. Nothing is "wrong", I'm just anxious, irritable, angry, confused. It's one of those times when literally every coping skill listed on those handouts feels pathetic and undermining. I feel like I am drowning beneath waves of hate and despair.
It's hard to hold on to what I *know* to be the "right" thing to do, when every ounce of my body and brain is telling me to do otherwise.
You know what? I'm not going to do anything.
I'm not going to paint pretty pictures or light candles. I'm not going to have a bubbly bath or do some deep breathing exercises. Neither am I going to exercise/tear up my meal plan/engage in any eating disordered behaviour.
I'm going to stay here and sit. And wait. For however long it takes, for the storm to pass. I don't have the energy to FIGHT this feeling, but I can wait, one second at a time, for it to pass.
Because it will.
It doesn't feel like it's going to end- if anything, it feels like it's growing stronger and stronger by the second. But it CAN'T last forever. Why? Because nothing ever does.
I can sit. I can wait. I can hold on. And hold on, and hold on, and hold on. Tell myself, "it's going to be okay" over and over and over again until finally, it is.
eleven months old.
4 weeks ago