Saturday, 14 February 2009

Can't Fight The Feeling

I'm having one of those moments when everything feels wrong/too much/overwhelming. One of those times when I don't know whether to start throwing things and screaming, or curl up and hide. Nothing is "wrong", I'm just anxious, irritable, angry, confused. It's one of those times when literally every coping skill listed on those handouts feels pathetic and undermining. I feel like I am drowning beneath waves of hate and despair.

It's hard to hold on to what I *know* to be the "right" thing to do, when every ounce of my body and brain is telling me to do otherwise.

You know what? I'm not going to do anything.

Diddly-squat.

I'm not going to paint pretty pictures or light candles. I'm not going to have a bubbly bath or do some deep breathing exercises. Neither am I going to exercise/tear up my meal plan/engage in any eating disordered behaviour.

I'm going to stay here and sit. And wait. For however long it takes, for the storm to pass. I don't have the energy to FIGHT this feeling, but I can wait, one second at a time, for it to pass.

Because it will.

It doesn't feel like it's going to end- if anything, it feels like it's growing stronger and stronger by the second. But it CAN'T last forever. Why? Because nothing ever does.

I can sit. I can wait. I can hold on. And hold on, and hold on, and hold on. Tell myself, "it's going to be okay" over and over and over again until finally, it is.

3 comments:

Lauryn said...

hey girl, i just stumbled on your blog but i felt compelled to say hi and HANG IN THERE. you can and WILL get through this! do what YOU need to do to feel better!

Nutritious is Delicious said...

Hey! That will be a great major!

Im sorry girl! Do you have a close friend you can call or someone eto comfort you?! As Lauryn said....Hang in there!! :D

Sarah said...

YOU CAN DO THIS!! Sometimes the best (and hardest) thing you can do is what you ARE doing...accepting how you are feeling in the moment, however awful and overwhelming it is, and letting it be. You're right--it WILL pass, and you WILL feel better! And, although it is terrible, it is okay to feel down, and allowing yourself to truly experience those emotions, rather than covering them up with ED behaviors, is admirable, strong, and ultimately more healthy! You are an amazing person who DESERVES to be happy, and you WILL SOON because you are doing everything right!

Take care!
Sarah