Yesterday's post reminded me of the quote, "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
I've talked before about how much of a perfectionist I am, how I set myself up for "failure" by striving towards standards I can never meet, how I never feel good "enough".
When I was younger, I worked hard at school and my music and would interpret it as a major catastrophe if I didn't excel...even 100% wasn't enough. I always felt I could have done better. Since my eating disorder became a major issue in my life, aside from the perfectionistic drive towards food/weight goals, things have changed. I'm now almost scared to TRY because I *know* I won't meet the standards I set. The thought of not being good enough has prevented me from doing countless things- applying for jobs, going back to school, etc. The times I HAVE taken on jobs or returned to studying, regardless of how well I am doing, the fear that I'll be "caught out" as some kind of fraud who is deep down completely useless, is paralysing. My anorexia has flourished during these times- it just seems easier to have to quit the job/drop out of school because I am sick rather than wait for a time when I have to face the fact that I am too stupid/lazy/useless. I should point out that I've never waited very long- I can be getting 100% on every test, but it feels false, like NEXT time I'll fail, and it hasn't been a risk I've wanted to take. By retreating into the shadow of anorexia, I have a valid excuse to not go any further and avoid the risk of failure.
I'm not quite sure how to get over this hurdle. I need to figure out a way to stop worrying so much- it doesn't MATTER if I am not absolutely perfect. Nobody IS! So easy to say, yet so much harder to believe and accept. I need to find a way to value myself outside of external achievements...to know that I deserve to eat, be healthy and happy, regardless of what position I hold/what awards I have won. To take pleasure in the things I do, and like I mentioned recently, ENJOY THE RIDE without so much anxiety over the ultimate results.
Question of the day: What have you done recently that you were scared of even attempting in case it didn't go to plan?..
a year & a half old.
3 months ago